About this time one year ago, I began a search on the Internet to try and get in touch with an old friend from college. We had been close the one year we were roommates, and had stayed in touch pretty well even when she moved out to Colorado. Most of our friendship was spent living at least two states away from one another. Jenn was there for me through all the major transitions in my life. She was a bridesmaid in my first wedding. She came to my daughter's dedication service. She was there for me when I went through my divorce. When my daughter was 18 months old, we flew out to Colorado to visit Jenn. When Jenn was married, I was able to be there. Then, when she and her husband moved to Austria, it became difficult to stay in touch. I had been emailing her, but my computer crashed and I lost her address. I searched the Internet and found her again, but not learning from the first time, still didn't write down her address. When my computer crashed a second time, and I lost her address again, I didn't do a very good job of getting in touch for a very long time. The last time I had emailed her, Jenn said that she was expecting. I remembered that she was due right around Christmas time. Thinking that her baby was already a year old, and I had not even been in touch with her to see if she had had a boy or a girl, I began my search for her once more. Jenn had always been computer savvy, so I was expecting to find a family blog or something along those lines. What I found instead was horrifying.
At first, I just found some church newsletters from a church in Austria. I remembered that Jenn's husband's father was a minister, but I just couldn't believe what the newsletters were saying. It was something about a tragedy in the family. Asking parishioners to pray for Dave (her husband) as he dealt with all the sorrow so shortly after the joy of the birth of their daughter, Lexi. As I read on, I found out that a mere 16 days after Lexi's birth, Jenn had passed away due to a sudden attack of Hodgkin's disease. I couldn't believe that this was true. I tried telling myself that this couldn't be my friend, Jenn. I continued to search for some more information; something that tell me I was mistaken. This was some other person named Jenn. It was just a coincidence. No such confirmation came. Instead, I found her obituary posted in a paper from her hometown in the States, complete with photograph. There was no mistaking that this was in fact, my old college roommate, my friend, Jenn.
So many emotions filled my heart and soul. I was in shock. I was angry. I was grieved. I felt guilt and shame for not even knowing that she was gone. Not only that, but it had not been one year since I had last talked to her, but two. I was only just finding out about her death, and she had been gone for two years. I had missed everything. Even though there was a memorial service for her in her hometown that I would have attended had I known, it was too late now. I had such tremendous guilt. If I had been a real friend, then I would've stayed in touch with Jenn even though she lived in Austria. I felt such huge sadness, and still do, but do I have a right to feel that way when it took me two years to realize that she had died?
A week or two afterwards I was finally able to cry. I cried and cried. I cried until it felt like there was nothing left, no more tears, no more strength. I asked God "Why?" It's so unfair. How could this happen? She had a 16-day-old baby. This was supposed to be one of the happiest times of her life. How could all of it just be taken away like this? How is her husband coping with losing his wife and needing to grieve, yet needing to keep going to care for his newborn? I still don't have the answers to these questions, and I suppose I won't get them until the day I get to heaven and get to see my friend once more, but I have gotten some healing.
You see, the obituary I found online has a guestbook link to it. It is still there all because of a wonderful, sweet friend of Jenn's. This friend has been anonymously maintaining the site all these years to help keep Jenn's memory alive. For a year, I have been going to that site, clicking on the guestbook, and beginning a message. For a year, I have deleted what I had written, and left the site to try it again another day. Another day finally came, and I was able to get a message posted. A few days later, I received an email from a friend of Jenn's from Austria. I emailed her back, and she was kind enough to keep up correspondence with me. She has answered so many of the questions I had surrounding what had happened. She sent me pictures of Lexi, and again, I cried and cried. She looks so much like her mommy! I found out that Jenn was able to enjoy her time with Lexi because she didn't know she was sick. I am so grateful for that. I am so thankful that Jenn had a friend who loved her so much & is helping to keep her memory alive for Lexi. She is compiling stories and pictures of Jenn to give to Lexi when she is older and wondering what her momma was like.
On Christmas Day, I received an email from Jenn's sister. I can't explain how much it meant to me. I was afraid Jenn's family would not like to see that I had left a message in her guestbook since I hadn't been in touch with her for so long. I will be eternally grateful to "Anonymous" for maintaining Jenn's site and allowing me to find healing there. Thank you, Julie, for your email. You'll never know how much it means to me!
As all of this has come to pass, I marvel at the grace of God. Even though I will never understand why, I know that God is Sovereign. I know His Love never fails. I know that He is with us. I know that Jenn is with Him. I wish that she could still be here with us. I wish she could be with Lexi, helping her grow, seeing each new thing she does and learns. Yet I know it was God's Grace that kept Lexi safe through Jenn's pregnancy. It was God's Grace that allowed Jenn to enjoy what little time she had with Lexi. It was God's Grace that made their first Christmas as a family of three a happy one. And it was God's Grace that allowed Jenn not to suffer.
Finally, it was by the Grace of God that I was able to learn some important lessons. Life is too short to lose touch with your friends. It is worth the effort. This past year I have gotten back in touch with some friends that I hadn't spoken to in quite a while. It's too easy to live life and get busy and not make the effort to be friends. It's good to remember that friendship is a reward worth the time. I also thank God that through all of this, I also made a new friend. Your emails have touched me deeply, Neva. God bless you!
Jenn,
It's been three years ago today you went to be with the Lord. We miss you so much! Our only comfort is that you are resting in the Saviour's everlasting arms. You are in heaven where there is no more suffering and no more tears. John 14:1-4 Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in Me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.
Revelation 21:3-4 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning, or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
Can't wait until we get to see you again, Jenn. We love you!
Can't wait until we get to see you again, Jenn. We love you!
